The Nuts and Bolts of College Writing

Unlearning | Clarity | The plain style | Concision | Rhetoric

The lure of wordiness | Making the cut | Empty words | Adverbs

Concision is intimately connected to clarity. Certainly there are some writers, masters of periphrasis, who can take the long way home without getting lost, but as a practical matter the Nuts and Bolts style—action-oriented subject-verb constructions that match syntax with logic—tends to make you a more concise writer.

But concision remains a struggle for every writer. Writing being the in-process, on-the-fly activity it is, essays come into being with a great deal of stress and mess. As our ideas swirl around us, and as we struggle to give them order, clarity, and vigor, our words swirl around us, too. It's typical for good writers to produce wordy early drafts, and then work through several stages of revision to find and eliminate all the flab. Richard Lanham, one of my favorite writing gurus, says that writing typically starts out with a high "lard factor," as he calls it—the number of words in one's first draft divided by the number of words in one's revision. As a rule of thumb, Lanham says, "think of a lard factor of one-third to one-half as normal and don't stop revising until you've removed it." Mark Twain's flippant comment also suggests that it's not too hard to get words down on paper; the difficulty lies in keeping the right ones.

So many of us are so used to padding our writing that it's hard even to imagine how to cut the fat. Writing to required page lengths is one of the reasons many writers are good at wordiness. Another reason, as we have seen, is that wordiness can serve as a kind of camouflage to reduce one's visibility. Sometimes, though, wordiness just seems to happen.. Here's an all-too typical example from a corporate technical manual. The passage specifies the protocol for tracking changes in an accounting system:

To ensure that the new system being developed, or the existing system being modified, will provide users with the timely, accurate, and complete information they require to properly perform their functions and responsibilities, it is necessary to assure that the new or modified system will cover all necessary aspects of the present automated or manual systems being replaced. To gain this assurance, it is essential that documentation be made of the entities of the present systems which will be modified or eliminated.

Thanks to Janet Jesmok, University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee.

Revising this isn't easy. For one thing, what information can be dispensed with, and what should be preserved? Is it important, for instance, to note that information should be "timely, accurate, and complete"? Or is this obvious from the context? There's no absolute right answer. It depends on what your own voice is, and what your readers expect. Here's one possible revision that maintains a fairly formal tone:

To ensure that users have all the information needed to do their jobs, the new system must preserve the present system's critical functions. Therefore, all modifications to the present system must be documented.

Here's a slightly less formal version:

Make sure to document all changes to the current system, so that all original functions can be recovered if necessary.

And here's yet one more version:

Make sure to document all changes to the current system, so any mistakes can be corrected.

Any of the revisions reads much better than the bloated original.

Remember: Concision is a constant battle. The keys are to build around strong verbs, prefer the active voice to the passive voice, be suspicious of adverbs, and toss out empty words and phrases.

There are so many ways to bloviate. Here are a dozen examples of wordy claptrap and how to cut through it. Go fast if you get the idea—but in my experience students need a lot of help gaining the confidence to be concise, and so that's why I provide so many examples. In each instance see if you can figure out what got reworded, what just got cut, and why:

ORIGINAL	REVISION
It was discussed in this reading that . . .	Tannen argues that . . .
The film and video industry category can specifically be broken down into subsequent industries of motion picture and videotape production, motion picture and videotape distribution, movie houses, and cable and other pay-television services, just to name a few for example.	The film and video industry category includes production, distribution, movie houses, and cable and other pay-television services.
Some of its major competitors include News Corporation Ltd., which is a global media and entertainment media power, and Viacom Inc., which is based in the United States and is one of the world's leading media companies.	Major global competitors include Australia-based News Corporation Ltd. and U.S.-based Viacom Inc.
An important part of implementing a service-oriented strategy is that you're going to have to increase the number of salespeople in each store.	A service-oriented strategy requires more salespeople in each store.
The scene is very important because it helps us understand Cleopatra early on in the play.	This early scene helps us understand Cleopatra.
What specifically about Cleopatra makes her such a captivating character?	What makes Cleopatra such a captivating character?
This idealistic view is the only reason Brutus agrees to join the conspiracy in the first place.	Brutus joins the conspiracy out of idealism.
The play tells the story of a group of conspirators bound together by the notion that their leader, Julius Caesar, is intent on taking sole power.	The play tells the story of a group of conspirators determined to prevent Julius Caesar from overthrowing the republic.
In the play, Menas, who is a pirate, says this about the marriage: "I think the policy of that purpose made more in the marriage than the love of the parties" (2.6.115-16).	The pirate Menas dismisses the marriage as a political arrangement.
From reading the Declaration of Independence it is apparent that Locke's perspective was shared by the Founders.	The Declaration of Independence suggests how much Locke influenced the Founders.
The last point I would like to make is that in regard to men-women relationships, it is important to keep in mind that the greatest changes have probably occurred in the way men and women are working next to one another.	The greatest changes in how men and women treat each other have probably occurred in the workplace.

Sometimes revising for concision means recognizing an empty phrase or word for what it is:

ORIGINAL

REVISION

From a political-institutional point of view, the "Federalist," written by Hamilton, Madison, and Jay in 1787-88, is the first full formulation of federalism as a theory. The "Federalist," written by Hamilton, Madison, and Jay in 1787-88, is the first full formulation of federalism as a theory.

These are the practical contingency management implications: These are the practical implications:

Women held an important place in social society. Women held an important place in society.

Capitalism is accompanied by the ideal of freedom as something to be attained. Capitalism is accompanied by the ideal of freedom.

Adverbs

After verbs adverbs are the part of speech most often abused in college essays. Students, deploying an inert, noun-heavy writing style, recognize that their verbs are often pitifully weak. Thus they tack on adverbs in hopes of adding intensity or precision. But this often falls flat or even backfires.

Here are several examples of adverbs that weaken sentences because they add nothing of value:

ORIGINAL	REVISION
Socrates convincingly explains his position to Crito.	Socrates explains his position to Crito.
Euthyphro continues to further explain his actions.	Euthyphro continues to explain his actions.
The play carefully examines the disorder brought by civil war.	The play examines the disorder brought by civil war.
Antony plays on the crowd's emotions and successfully obtains their support.	Antony plays on the crowd's emotions and wins their support.

Note that in the last example, getting rid of the adverb leads the writer to choose a stronger verb.

Next: Rhetoric

Concision